Wednesday, June 25

crap

Disclaimer: If you don't like what I say, or you think it may be a little about you, just remember, I'm nobody and its just my opinion and my feelings and it only matters if you let it.


So, I try to act like this isn't bothering me, but it is. I feel like I could just lie in bed and cry for a week, and some people are taking my lack of public emotion for not caring, so I need to set some things straight.

The doctor called me with the results from my fertility tests, the results were not good.
She gave me the details and then my options and chances of actually having a baby. She also reminded me that she is not a fertility expert and offered me a referral to a clinic.

The next series of tests are very invasive and are not covered by my insurance. I really do not feel that paying more people more money and going through more pain and hope just to be told by more people that I can't have a baby is something that I am willing to go through.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't use any way necessary to have a child if they choose to. What I am saying is that I feel, if I was meant to have my own baby, it would be possible with a lot less medical intervention.

It is important to know the limits of what you are willing to put yourself through.

The hubby and I knew that we were going to have obstacles to overcome, we discussed the options.
I'm the type of person that trys to find out where I am before I start walking.

If you knew me, like you apparently think you do, you would know that.

I know about surrogacy, I know about adoption, I know about fostering. I also know what my goal was and I know that none of these things would fulfil that goal.

I have step-kids, and I have felt the pain and joy of being a parent. The disappointment and the pride. I don't really see how adopting would be any different.

The whole that I have in my heart would still be empty.
I tend to be an all or nothing person.

Once again, something you would know, if you knew me.

All I wanted was to carry a child that was part me and part my husband. Bring life into the world. Love and teach that person to be happy and watch what he or she became.
That is apparently not what was meant to be.

So, while I'm going through this very difficult time, try to do me this little favor.

Don't give me that look!

Don't assume that you would've done anything to have your child and that since I am not willing to go through more disappointment that I must not really want a child.

And don't tell me that raising someone else's child is the same!


You don't know me... you don't know what I'm going through. You have a baby, you had it the "fun" way!

So please, leave me alone, and keep your opinions to yourself!


Late

5 comments:

Angie said...

/hugs

dr.deena said...

yeah, i agree with angie- lots and lots of hugs. and some for the hubby too, even though he doesn't know me :)

Amy said...

oh honey , im so sorry :( That being said: your body, your life, your feelings, YOUR decision! The end.

Mary Sarah said...

More hugs here too! I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm sorry you're having to go through it. Your feelings are yours and no one can tell you otherwise. You do what is right for you and your hubby. You're in my thoughts and prayers! Mary

SueKnits4Fun said...

:( I'm sad for you, and I'm proud of you and envious that you know yourself so well and are willing to do what's best for you and your husband. Vent! Send me a PM if you want and vent more! I'm sorry, people say things from their on perspectives and never realize how much it might hurt, or perhaps are so intent on injecting their ideas they don't care about repercussions. Loads of hugs for you, and a strong shoulder if you need it! ~~Sue