crap

Disclaimer: If you don't like what I say, or you think it may be a little about you, just remember, I'm nobody and its just my opinion and my feelings and it only matters if you let it.


So, I try to act like this isn't bothering me, but it is. I feel like I could just lie in bed and cry for a week, and some people are taking my lack of public emotion for not caring, so I need to set some things straight.

The doctor called me with the results from my fertility tests, the results were not good.
She gave me the details and then my options and chances of actually having a baby. She also reminded me that she is not a fertility expert and offered me a referral to a clinic.

The next series of tests are very invasive and are not covered by my insurance. I really do not feel that paying more people more money and going through more pain and hope just to be told by more people that I can't have a baby is something that I am willing to go through.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't use any way necessary to have a child if they choose to. What I am saying is that I feel, if I was meant to have my own baby, it would be possible with a lot less medical intervention.

It is important to know the limits of what you are willing to put yourself through.

The hubby and I knew that we were going to have obstacles to overcome, we discussed the options.
I'm the type of person that trys to find out where I am before I start walking.

If you knew me, like you apparently think you do, you would know that.

I know about surrogacy, I know about adoption, I know about fostering. I also know what my goal was and I know that none of these things would fulfil that goal.

I have step-kids, and I have felt the pain and joy of being a parent. The disappointment and the pride. I don't really see how adopting would be any different.

The whole that I have in my heart would still be empty.
I tend to be an all or nothing person.

Once again, something you would know, if you knew me.

All I wanted was to carry a child that was part me and part my husband. Bring life into the world. Love and teach that person to be happy and watch what he or she became.
That is apparently not what was meant to be.

So, while I'm going through this very difficult time, try to do me this little favor.

Don't give me that look!

Don't assume that you would've done anything to have your child and that since I am not willing to go through more disappointment that I must not really want a child.

And don't tell me that raising someone else's child is the same!


You don't know me... you don't know what I'm going through. You have a baby, you had it the "fun" way!

So please, leave me alone, and keep your opinions to yourself!


Late

BAAADD BLOGER!!

So, I had to make a choice.. get closer to something resembling "caught up" on my knit/crochet, or blog. I know, I'm sorry. It had to be done. However, that means I haven't even loaded any of the pics off my camera.. no knitting pics.. no crochet pics, not even trip to Florida pics.. I know! I suck. I'm sorry.

Anyways, the plus side is, my niece finally got her b-day presents (about 3 months late), Jeni got her wedding blankie (2 months late) and I some how managed to kitchner the sock from last Tuesday night and knit a whole second sock in time for a party Saturday!! It was worth letting the blog slide a little.

I did have to wake up early Sat. to finish the sock, and thank goodness it was super wash.. and yes, even though I left them out on the dashboard on the way there, they were still a little moist when they came out of the gift bag hahhaa. I don't care! They were on time, and I didn't even have to use the actual b-day date! (wed.) :D

I currently have 1 project going on. That's right, I said ONE! It's the So Called Scarf it will be done tonight!! it is long enough that if I had cast off, it could have been done last night and since it 100 billion degrees here in the desert, I'm calling that one early! (even though it is probably actually late for last year ahhaa)

So, now I am going to go to Ravelry to find a pattern for the seestor whose b-day is on the 4th of July so I'll have something to work on Tuesday night and this coming Saturday which is WORLD WIDE KNIT IN PUBLIC DAY!!! Don't forget!

I will be out and about all day and into the evening. Anyone that wants to hang with me is more than welcome, and I can fit 4 bodies w/knitting bags in my fuel efficient car!! :D So far, I'm thinking Borders, Wooly Wonders, a coffee shop in Henderson, and then the Cellar in Boulder City for some wine!! (they have killer desert too). I'm open to suggestions and changes in direction too!!

On the baby front.. my daughter is on her way back to base :( She is doing well though. She has been able to keep down a fair amount of food, and she got all caught up on the sleep she was losing!! 8 weeks :)

On the not yet front, I've gotten all the blood work done, 6 tests in all, done on the correct days this time. I love my new DR so far :). This Friday I have a hysterosalpingogram. Should I be worried about the fact that it is on Friday the 13th?

It doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun, but at least I won't have to do it with a full bladder like the pelvic ultrasound that I'm getting done following Tuesday night. (which means that I'll be missing yoga and cc! :( )

The directions are... at 6pm drink 48 oz of water.. make sure you have drank it all by 7pm. Then.. don't pee! Come down here so that around 8ish.. we can press on your bladder for a little while.. and umm don't pee on our bed!

I've done this one before.. trust me it truly is as bad as it sounds!

Well, I will try to load some pics and not keep yall hangin' too long! :)

Late